Who's your daddy ?!!?

That would be me! Captain Nick!!!

Amongst several things that piece of paper says is

 ''..the above mentioned applicant has been found to properly qualified and is thereby authorized (sic) in accordance of issuance or the reverse of this certificate to exercise the privileges of : Private Pilot...''

Two words - Wooooooo Hoooooooo

Tire (sic) Plus

Let me just preface what I'm about to type with a little bit of a self perspective reality check. If what happened to me today is the worse thing that occurs to me this year I will be a happy boy. I'm living the dream so a good dose of reality is required and no sympathy sought. However it makes for an almost comically absurd day.

The day started badly and only went downhill. You recall the final exam and check ride I was due to do Friday got pushed to Saturday ? Then it was pushed to Monday (today) because of incorrect birth dates on documents ?

Well I awake this am and get into car t 8.30am. Flat tyre (spelt tire in the USA). I drive down to Hertz with a temporary wheel now attached and with greased and blackened hands and jeans. Hertz tell me to go to Tire Plus to get a patch on the wheel. Tire Plus tell me the tread on aforementioned tyre is now below legal Florida standards for a patch and I have to purchase a new tyre. Cost ? 185 USD. Time it takes for me to converse them through the issue and have tyre replaced ? 1 hour and 20 minutes. During this time I have the joy of watching the in house reception TV and a show called ''Paternity Test''. Primarily a show whose participants are clearly from a socio economic class lower than that even found in trailer parks who are invited to appear before a live TV audience and discover whether they are in fact the real father of the child their partner has borne. Quality TV. One woman had 3 of her cousins on a couch opposite her claiming that one of them was the father of her child but she was not sure as she had slept with all 3. Yes. Her cousins !!!!!!

 The host has the DNA documentation in his hand and it goes like this.

Host - (addressing the 3 men ) ....'' Dwayne.....you are not the father ! '' At this point Dwayne gets up and high fives half the audience and jives around the stage as though he has just won lotto.

Host - '' Shawn.....you are not the father ! ''  For Shawn's reaction read above for Dwayne's.

Host - '' Alfonso....you are not the father !'' For Alfonso's reaction read above for Dwayne and Shawn and mulitply by 5.

Cries of disbelief from the audience. Woman runs from stage in hysterics and host follows her off stage to where she is being consoled by her sister.

Host - '' I'm so sorry. But when you think you have discovered who the father in fact is, we would love to have you back on the show.''

It was actually pretty sad to watch.

More on the 185 USD later

So I arrive at airport and the day gets worse. Go into exam room for a little one on one time with my FAA examiner who asks to see my documentation again. His furrowed brow has me break out in a visible sweat.

Examiner- ''Err. Your ground theory exam which you did 2 weeks ago and passed has your name as Nicholas David Waite on the document. Your pilots licence however has your name as Nicholas David Aaron Waite. Thus we cannot proceed.''

His hair brain idea to get around the problem was for me to drop the name Aaron from my licence. I quickly pointed out to him that this would come back to bite me in my rotund behind when the next spot check was done by the FAA on my documentation when I was in the plane and my licence showed my names as being Nicholas David Waite whereas my passport and other supporting ID proof all showed it to be Nicholas David Aaron Waite.

Several words spring to mind here none of which I can use.

So he calls the FAA to get resolution on the issue. All of the FAA is at lunch and the 4 different people we call all have phones that ring out and we get voicemail. So examiner tells me to come back at 1.30pm.

I return at 1.30pm. FAA states I can either re-sit the massive ground theory exam for free under my full name or pay 200 USD  to re-submit the documentation.

1.45pm start the exam some 2 hours late. Get 1.5 hours into it and the examiner tells me he has another appointment to go to and with all the bureaucratic issues this morning we have to adjourn the exam until tomorrow. Tuesday.

So the exam that was set for Friday, pushed to Saturday, pushed to Monday, now looks set for Tuesday.

100 bucks says the weather tomorrow is unflyable.

Again I cannot mention the words running amok in my mind at this stage. Needless to say I' m sure you can well imagine.

As for the Hertz tyre ? Well by days end I was ready to fight anyone. 65 minutes in the Naples Hertz office and after several discussions with the manager about exactly what was included in my car insurance he agreed to a 150 USD rebate. Transpires the insurance I took out covers absolutely everything except the tyres and the rims. You couldn't script it.

Quality with a capital K

I have access to 375...yes 375 channels of TV...

Here's a summary...it is all quality

Channel     Whats on it

2    Perfect Health
3    Judge Brown
8    Body makeover
10  Marketplace wisdom
11  George Bush Library (yer kidding me right ? )
12  Great Gifts
19 Electronic Gifts
20  Shrek
21  SwingVote
26  EL! Married to Rock
28  Pretty in Pink
33 Credit and you
38 Make yourself rich
46 Snoopy come home
49 Anger management
51 The millionaire matchmaker
52 Getting the best out of your gutbuster
56 Rocky ( this channel gets my vote....all 5 Rocky films..one after the other...24/7 )
57 Girls high school volleyball
67  Too many babies ?
68  Confessions - Animal hoarding
69  Dangerous Drives
79  Diners, Drive-ins and Dives
80  18 and Pregnant
81  America's top model
83 Plastic surgery gone wrong
89  Shopping on demand
92  Anti aging Fountain of youth
94  Python Hunters
97  Getting the best out of your viagra
111 Deadly women
113 WWII in colour
114 Stranger in my bed
118 America's next top model (not to be confused with America's top model)
130 Muppets from space
134 Police - True stories from the nations crime busters
137 American Gladiators
150 Confessions of a shopaholic
162 Where the hell is that gold?
174 Why did I marry her?
183 My worst habit


And so it goes on and on and on.....I think you get the story.....

Sadly I think I have watched at least half of them !

The perils of Bureaucracy

So the psychological rollercoaster continues. After my instructor assured me last Saturday that I would be ready to do my final check ride and exam on Friday he then pushed it back to Saturday when he realised he had forgotten to teach me something. So. I turn up on Saturday all mentally prepared and the exam doesn't get past 5 minutes.

Here in the USA your pilots medical doubles as your student pilot licence and the Dr who examined me when I arrived was responsible for its issuance.The examiner(Chief Flying instructor at the school) looks at my student pilot licence and notes that the birth date on it says 02/03/65 as the Dr issued.

Examiner - Err when is your birthday ?

Me - Err, March 2 1965 (Yes I know. Getting old)

Examiner - Well on this document it says 02/03/65 which in any country but this one would be correct. According to this document then your birthday is February 3rd, 1965 and that is what the Dr has input into the system. To enable us to even get started we need to have the right birthday in the system. So I'm afraid you will have to wait until Monday and get the Dr to change the certificate and put the correct birth date into the system

Me - (initially relatively restrained) Well that's a hassle. How bout we just do the exam now with the check ride and we do the admin on Monday ?

Examiner - No can do. I'm sorry it is totally out of my control

Me - (not so restrained) So you are telling me that I have been enrolled and flying at this school for a month with an illegal document ?

Examiner - Yes you could say that and I'm not sure how that has happened which is something I will have to look into.

I cant even begin to type what I said next. So Monday it is. Supposedly.

Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff..............

http://www.wambergam.com

I do not know what exactly these guys do but they do seem to have the right approach to enjoying the fruit of their labours. Every day I have walked past this nondescript door in the airport carpark  and wondered what was behind it. Today they had their main door open. Inside were two small planes and a private jet that had just been rolled out onto the tarmac. Also in the hangar and parked in the corner and out of sight of my probing lens was a red Ferrari - 1956 500 Testa Rossa. 

Wamberg toys

Wamberg ''get me anywhere fast '' exec jet

The Americans are observing Thanksgiving day tomorrow so it is a day off from flying despite my instructor being English and me Australian. He also had the gall to tell me today that my final check ride and exam was now to be scheduled for Saturday and not Friday as previously planned. So collective crossing of fingers and toes on Saturday please. Given it is an 'observation of Thanksgiving' tomorrow here are some of my own observations of late.

1. No one in this town rides a motorcycle with a helmet. (When asked why I was told '' it is your constitutional right in the state of Florida to have the right to choose)

2. There is a Macdonalds that I pass every morning at 6.25am en route to the airport. It is a stand alone building in the middle of a car park. I counted 17 cars parked outside it this morning and 3 cars in the drive-thru bay. At 6.25 am. Mmm

3. You can legally use your mobile phone to make and receive calls whilst you drive. Again '' it is your constitutional right in the state of Florida''

4. You cannot text and drive

5. If you want to eat at the best table at any restaurant simply book it for any time past 8.00pm. Absolutely no one eats late. Zippo. Zilch. None. Zero. Restaurants here resemble a cemetery at 8.01pm. When I asked where people go, I was told '' home to sleep''

6. Because you have to drive everywhere no one drinks at meals and if they do it is one glass of Californian chardonnay.

7. Most of the people I have seen eating, regardless of socio-economic background do not know how to hold a knife and fork. I sat across the bar tonight from a guy whose parents look loaded. She was dripping more gold than the furnace at the Xstrata plant in Kalgoolie and his father was googling private jets for sale on his ipad. Regardless he was clasping his fork like he was trying to choke a chicken and his knife with a meat cleaver grip. It was gruesome to watch, but a scene played out multiple times that same evening in the same restaurant. 

8. One of the local radio stations which used to play half decent music is now xmas tunes and songs only 24 hours a day. You can listen to jingle bells sung 45 different ways and I think I have heard 33 of them...rap,soul,jazz,harmonic,country,indie,home,classic,opera, etc etc...

9. Another local station ''Fox 4'' has done nothing but debate the furore over the introduction of pat down security checks at airports and the infringement of your 4th amendment rights this process imposes. These being the same guys of course who then complain that the security of the USA has been weakened by its lack of security. Go figure. I have an idea. Why not just ask everyone to walk through a bomb proof capsule that pulsates out a signal designed to trigger any explosive device you have on you. 

10. No one. I mean absolutely no one walks anywhere

and finally

11. Every country song has the same melody and storyline and goes something like this

If it is sung by a guy... 

I was tempted by the bottle and I got home late

I stunk of cheap perfume and you kicked me out of the house

I drove my truck back out of the garage and ran over the cat

I turned up to work late and my boss sacked my ass

I'm now broke and lonely and got no life

I hunker for the days when life was better

I hunker for the days when you and me were straight

Im asking you for forgivness and so too that of the lord

I know I can do it but I need your help

 etc etc etc blah blah blah

If sung by a girl

You were tempted by the bottle and you got home late

You stunk of cheap perfume and so I kicked you out of the house

You ran over my pet cat that I have had since I was 5 

I heard you were late for work and yer boss whupped yer ass

My life has been better since I pawned that diamond ring you gave me

I'm loving living with the quarterback who I should've married before you

You can ask me for forgivness but there aint no way yer getting it

My life is full now of love and the lord

etc etc etc etc blah blah blah

Blue rinse country

Flying a plane across country with multiple airport stops on your own is one sure fire way of attaining a ''heightened level of anxiety.'' Especially when your first attempt to do so on Saturday had to be aborted 10 nm (nautical miles) from your first stop because of thick bushfire smoke. So I set off today to attempt the same route again in order fulfil one of the requirements of the standard FAA qualification process. That being ''solo cross country navigation to 2 separate airports with a total travelling distance of more than 150 nm (172 miles or 275 KM ).'' Took off from Naples, headed northwest to a small town called Pahokee. 70 nm in distance. Encountered rain and haze enroute. Landed. Just.  Polar fitness equipment don't make a heart rate monitor with an index high enough to measure mine when I got out of the plane. Got one of the local FAA administrators to sign a document testifying I had landed there and was by myself. Go to toilet.Took off and headed west to Charlotte County airport. 52 NM in distance. Landed. How, I don't know as there was a fierce cross wind blowing and at one stage I thought I was going to park myself directly into the Hertz rental car park outside the perimeter fence as opposed to landing on Runway 15. Again get an administrator to sign a document. Again go to toilet, and then took off for Naples. 70 nm away. Land. Go to toilet.

Supposedly all this is done by pure chart reading and plotting. Well it was in part but I was certainly grateful for the Garmin GPS sitting alongside the instruments.

What makes landing at these airports a tad more difficult than at Naples is that both Pahokee and Charlotte County are non control tower monitored meaning you self announce your intentions as you descend and do battle with every other jockey out there as to who is landing when and where. Charlotte in particular was interesting because it is the budget airline centre for the southwest coast of Florida. There sitting in front of me on the taxiway and self announcing his departure was a 737 from an airline I have never heard of before. One second I'm going to google it. Allegiance or something. Close. www.allegiantair.com

All in all an interesting experience and another box ticked.

Now all that remains is 2 hours of night flight and then I'm ready for my final exam and check ride.
This involves sitting with a FAA examiner for 2 hours or so and he verbally tests you on your knowledge of the aircraft and procedures then you take him for an equally long flight and he tests your ability to fly the thing. That is going to happen on Friday. Gulp.

Observation of the day- The only people who own Cadillacs in this part of the world, are 85 or older, can barely see over the dash, sit hunched over the wheel 3 inches from the front windscreen and drive as erratically as a rabbit with myxomatosis runs.

Oh, and have a wife with a blue rinse.

Sometimes the best view is behind you

5.37 pm looking westward over the Gulf of Mexico the sun begins to sink below the horizon

5.37 pm and sneaking up behind the 400 or so people standing on the beach looking westward the moon begins its evening patrol over mother earth.

Im starting to scare myself.