Who's your daddy ?!!?

That would be me! Captain Nick!!!

Amongst several things that piece of paper says is

 ''..the above mentioned applicant has been found to properly qualified and is thereby authorized (sic) in accordance of issuance or the reverse of this certificate to exercise the privileges of : Private Pilot...''

Two words - Wooooooo Hoooooooo

Tire (sic) Plus

Let me just preface what I'm about to type with a little bit of a self perspective reality check. If what happened to me today is the worse thing that occurs to me this year I will be a happy boy. I'm living the dream so a good dose of reality is required and no sympathy sought. However it makes for an almost comically absurd day.

The day started badly and only went downhill. You recall the final exam and check ride I was due to do Friday got pushed to Saturday ? Then it was pushed to Monday (today) because of incorrect birth dates on documents ?

Well I awake this am and get into car t 8.30am. Flat tyre (spelt tire in the USA). I drive down to Hertz with a temporary wheel now attached and with greased and blackened hands and jeans. Hertz tell me to go to Tire Plus to get a patch on the wheel. Tire Plus tell me the tread on aforementioned tyre is now below legal Florida standards for a patch and I have to purchase a new tyre. Cost ? 185 USD. Time it takes for me to converse them through the issue and have tyre replaced ? 1 hour and 20 minutes. During this time I have the joy of watching the in house reception TV and a show called ''Paternity Test''. Primarily a show whose participants are clearly from a socio economic class lower than that even found in trailer parks who are invited to appear before a live TV audience and discover whether they are in fact the real father of the child their partner has borne. Quality TV. One woman had 3 of her cousins on a couch opposite her claiming that one of them was the father of her child but she was not sure as she had slept with all 3. Yes. Her cousins !!!!!!

 The host has the DNA documentation in his hand and it goes like this.

Host - (addressing the 3 men ) ....'' Dwayne.....you are not the father ! '' At this point Dwayne gets up and high fives half the audience and jives around the stage as though he has just won lotto.

Host - '' Shawn.....you are not the father ! ''  For Shawn's reaction read above for Dwayne's.

Host - '' Alfonso....you are not the father !'' For Alfonso's reaction read above for Dwayne and Shawn and mulitply by 5.

Cries of disbelief from the audience. Woman runs from stage in hysterics and host follows her off stage to where she is being consoled by her sister.

Host - '' I'm so sorry. But when you think you have discovered who the father in fact is, we would love to have you back on the show.''

It was actually pretty sad to watch.

More on the 185 USD later

So I arrive at airport and the day gets worse. Go into exam room for a little one on one time with my FAA examiner who asks to see my documentation again. His furrowed brow has me break out in a visible sweat.

Examiner- ''Err. Your ground theory exam which you did 2 weeks ago and passed has your name as Nicholas David Waite on the document. Your pilots licence however has your name as Nicholas David Aaron Waite. Thus we cannot proceed.''

His hair brain idea to get around the problem was for me to drop the name Aaron from my licence. I quickly pointed out to him that this would come back to bite me in my rotund behind when the next spot check was done by the FAA on my documentation when I was in the plane and my licence showed my names as being Nicholas David Waite whereas my passport and other supporting ID proof all showed it to be Nicholas David Aaron Waite.

Several words spring to mind here none of which I can use.

So he calls the FAA to get resolution on the issue. All of the FAA is at lunch and the 4 different people we call all have phones that ring out and we get voicemail. So examiner tells me to come back at 1.30pm.

I return at 1.30pm. FAA states I can either re-sit the massive ground theory exam for free under my full name or pay 200 USD  to re-submit the documentation.

1.45pm start the exam some 2 hours late. Get 1.5 hours into it and the examiner tells me he has another appointment to go to and with all the bureaucratic issues this morning we have to adjourn the exam until tomorrow. Tuesday.

So the exam that was set for Friday, pushed to Saturday, pushed to Monday, now looks set for Tuesday.

100 bucks says the weather tomorrow is unflyable.

Again I cannot mention the words running amok in my mind at this stage. Needless to say I' m sure you can well imagine.

As for the Hertz tyre ? Well by days end I was ready to fight anyone. 65 minutes in the Naples Hertz office and after several discussions with the manager about exactly what was included in my car insurance he agreed to a 150 USD rebate. Transpires the insurance I took out covers absolutely everything except the tyres and the rims. You couldn't script it.

Quality with a capital K

I have access to 375...yes 375 channels of TV...

Here's a summary...it is all quality

Channel     Whats on it

2    Perfect Health
3    Judge Brown
8    Body makeover
10  Marketplace wisdom
11  George Bush Library (yer kidding me right ? )
12  Great Gifts
19 Electronic Gifts
20  Shrek
21  SwingVote
26  EL! Married to Rock
28  Pretty in Pink
33 Credit and you
38 Make yourself rich
46 Snoopy come home
49 Anger management
51 The millionaire matchmaker
52 Getting the best out of your gutbuster
56 Rocky ( this channel gets my vote....all 5 Rocky films..one after the other...24/7 )
57 Girls high school volleyball
67  Too many babies ?
68  Confessions - Animal hoarding
69  Dangerous Drives
79  Diners, Drive-ins and Dives
80  18 and Pregnant
81  America's top model
83 Plastic surgery gone wrong
89  Shopping on demand
92  Anti aging Fountain of youth
94  Python Hunters
97  Getting the best out of your viagra
111 Deadly women
113 WWII in colour
114 Stranger in my bed
118 America's next top model (not to be confused with America's top model)
130 Muppets from space
134 Police - True stories from the nations crime busters
137 American Gladiators
150 Confessions of a shopaholic
162 Where the hell is that gold?
174 Why did I marry her?
183 My worst habit


And so it goes on and on and on.....I think you get the story.....

Sadly I think I have watched at least half of them !

The perils of Bureaucracy

So the psychological rollercoaster continues. After my instructor assured me last Saturday that I would be ready to do my final check ride and exam on Friday he then pushed it back to Saturday when he realised he had forgotten to teach me something. So. I turn up on Saturday all mentally prepared and the exam doesn't get past 5 minutes.

Here in the USA your pilots medical doubles as your student pilot licence and the Dr who examined me when I arrived was responsible for its issuance.The examiner(Chief Flying instructor at the school) looks at my student pilot licence and notes that the birth date on it says 02/03/65 as the Dr issued.

Examiner - Err when is your birthday ?

Me - Err, March 2 1965 (Yes I know. Getting old)

Examiner - Well on this document it says 02/03/65 which in any country but this one would be correct. According to this document then your birthday is February 3rd, 1965 and that is what the Dr has input into the system. To enable us to even get started we need to have the right birthday in the system. So I'm afraid you will have to wait until Monday and get the Dr to change the certificate and put the correct birth date into the system

Me - (initially relatively restrained) Well that's a hassle. How bout we just do the exam now with the check ride and we do the admin on Monday ?

Examiner - No can do. I'm sorry it is totally out of my control

Me - (not so restrained) So you are telling me that I have been enrolled and flying at this school for a month with an illegal document ?

Examiner - Yes you could say that and I'm not sure how that has happened which is something I will have to look into.

I cant even begin to type what I said next. So Monday it is. Supposedly.

Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff..............

http://www.wambergam.com

I do not know what exactly these guys do but they do seem to have the right approach to enjoying the fruit of their labours. Every day I have walked past this nondescript door in the airport carpark  and wondered what was behind it. Today they had their main door open. Inside were two small planes and a private jet that had just been rolled out onto the tarmac. Also in the hangar and parked in the corner and out of sight of my probing lens was a red Ferrari - 1956 500 Testa Rossa. 

Wamberg toys

Wamberg ''get me anywhere fast '' exec jet

The Americans are observing Thanksgiving day tomorrow so it is a day off from flying despite my instructor being English and me Australian. He also had the gall to tell me today that my final check ride and exam was now to be scheduled for Saturday and not Friday as previously planned. So collective crossing of fingers and toes on Saturday please. Given it is an 'observation of Thanksgiving' tomorrow here are some of my own observations of late.

1. No one in this town rides a motorcycle with a helmet. (When asked why I was told '' it is your constitutional right in the state of Florida to have the right to choose)

2. There is a Macdonalds that I pass every morning at 6.25am en route to the airport. It is a stand alone building in the middle of a car park. I counted 17 cars parked outside it this morning and 3 cars in the drive-thru bay. At 6.25 am. Mmm

3. You can legally use your mobile phone to make and receive calls whilst you drive. Again '' it is your constitutional right in the state of Florida''

4. You cannot text and drive

5. If you want to eat at the best table at any restaurant simply book it for any time past 8.00pm. Absolutely no one eats late. Zippo. Zilch. None. Zero. Restaurants here resemble a cemetery at 8.01pm. When I asked where people go, I was told '' home to sleep''

6. Because you have to drive everywhere no one drinks at meals and if they do it is one glass of Californian chardonnay.

7. Most of the people I have seen eating, regardless of socio-economic background do not know how to hold a knife and fork. I sat across the bar tonight from a guy whose parents look loaded. She was dripping more gold than the furnace at the Xstrata plant in Kalgoolie and his father was googling private jets for sale on his ipad. Regardless he was clasping his fork like he was trying to choke a chicken and his knife with a meat cleaver grip. It was gruesome to watch, but a scene played out multiple times that same evening in the same restaurant. 

8. One of the local radio stations which used to play half decent music is now xmas tunes and songs only 24 hours a day. You can listen to jingle bells sung 45 different ways and I think I have heard 33 of them...rap,soul,jazz,harmonic,country,indie,home,classic,opera, etc etc...

9. Another local station ''Fox 4'' has done nothing but debate the furore over the introduction of pat down security checks at airports and the infringement of your 4th amendment rights this process imposes. These being the same guys of course who then complain that the security of the USA has been weakened by its lack of security. Go figure. I have an idea. Why not just ask everyone to walk through a bomb proof capsule that pulsates out a signal designed to trigger any explosive device you have on you. 

10. No one. I mean absolutely no one walks anywhere

and finally

11. Every country song has the same melody and storyline and goes something like this

If it is sung by a guy... 

I was tempted by the bottle and I got home late

I stunk of cheap perfume and you kicked me out of the house

I drove my truck back out of the garage and ran over the cat

I turned up to work late and my boss sacked my ass

I'm now broke and lonely and got no life

I hunker for the days when life was better

I hunker for the days when you and me were straight

Im asking you for forgivness and so too that of the lord

I know I can do it but I need your help

 etc etc etc blah blah blah

If sung by a girl

You were tempted by the bottle and you got home late

You stunk of cheap perfume and so I kicked you out of the house

You ran over my pet cat that I have had since I was 5 

I heard you were late for work and yer boss whupped yer ass

My life has been better since I pawned that diamond ring you gave me

I'm loving living with the quarterback who I should've married before you

You can ask me for forgivness but there aint no way yer getting it

My life is full now of love and the lord

etc etc etc etc blah blah blah

Blue rinse country

Flying a plane across country with multiple airport stops on your own is one sure fire way of attaining a ''heightened level of anxiety.'' Especially when your first attempt to do so on Saturday had to be aborted 10 nm (nautical miles) from your first stop because of thick bushfire smoke. So I set off today to attempt the same route again in order fulfil one of the requirements of the standard FAA qualification process. That being ''solo cross country navigation to 2 separate airports with a total travelling distance of more than 150 nm (172 miles or 275 KM ).'' Took off from Naples, headed northwest to a small town called Pahokee. 70 nm in distance. Encountered rain and haze enroute. Landed. Just.  Polar fitness equipment don't make a heart rate monitor with an index high enough to measure mine when I got out of the plane. Got one of the local FAA administrators to sign a document testifying I had landed there and was by myself. Go to toilet.Took off and headed west to Charlotte County airport. 52 NM in distance. Landed. How, I don't know as there was a fierce cross wind blowing and at one stage I thought I was going to park myself directly into the Hertz rental car park outside the perimeter fence as opposed to landing on Runway 15. Again get an administrator to sign a document. Again go to toilet, and then took off for Naples. 70 nm away. Land. Go to toilet.

Supposedly all this is done by pure chart reading and plotting. Well it was in part but I was certainly grateful for the Garmin GPS sitting alongside the instruments.

What makes landing at these airports a tad more difficult than at Naples is that both Pahokee and Charlotte County are non control tower monitored meaning you self announce your intentions as you descend and do battle with every other jockey out there as to who is landing when and where. Charlotte in particular was interesting because it is the budget airline centre for the southwest coast of Florida. There sitting in front of me on the taxiway and self announcing his departure was a 737 from an airline I have never heard of before. One second I'm going to google it. Allegiance or something. Close. www.allegiantair.com

All in all an interesting experience and another box ticked.

Now all that remains is 2 hours of night flight and then I'm ready for my final exam and check ride.
This involves sitting with a FAA examiner for 2 hours or so and he verbally tests you on your knowledge of the aircraft and procedures then you take him for an equally long flight and he tests your ability to fly the thing. That is going to happen on Friday. Gulp.

Observation of the day- The only people who own Cadillacs in this part of the world, are 85 or older, can barely see over the dash, sit hunched over the wheel 3 inches from the front windscreen and drive as erratically as a rabbit with myxomatosis runs.

Oh, and have a wife with a blue rinse.

Sometimes the best view is behind you

5.37 pm looking westward over the Gulf of Mexico the sun begins to sink below the horizon

5.37 pm and sneaking up behind the 400 or so people standing on the beach looking westward the moon begins its evening patrol over mother earth.

Im starting to scare myself.

Lions and gates

The presence of a zoo evokes an interesting internal debate with me. On the one side the animal lover in me sees them as cruel and degrading of animals and their right to roam free. Whilst the pragmatic side of me sees a worth in their ability to afford those less fortunate a chance to see fauna that in all likelyhood they will never see in the wild. There is of course the child educational value to them as well. I'm more inclined to be a believer in their worth if they also embrace a breeding program for endangered animals such as the Panda.

Why the introspective start to the blog ? Well, given it is a Sunday and my one day off for the week I was struggling to think of things to do when it struck me that I had driven past the Naples Zoo countless times enroute to the flying school. Which animals would it hold I thought and so on another warm cloudless Florida day with the temperature a pleasant 27 degrees I ventured downtown to find out.  This thought process in itself gives you an insight to the not so exciting make up of Naples. I mean seriously. There can't be much to a town if going to the zoo by yourself is one of the last entertaining things you can think of doing. I should have given myself a left uppercut for even entertaining the idea and stayed at home to watch some sport. However I did not and off I ventured.

Here is quick synopsis of what I saw. As you can imagine there is an alligator enclosure. Sadly also a collection of big cats who all looked a long way from home and very very bored. Lion and Lioness , Bengal Tigers x 3, American Cougars x 3, Black Bears x 2, Giraffe x 6, alligators x a gazzillion,  primates x alot, Hyena x 2 and lo behold over in ''Kangaroo Corner'' was a lazy looking Skippy looking very bemused by the attention it was getting. 60 minutes is all it took before I found myself bored and so I headed back home to my own gated community. The irony of that did not pass me by.

Two very bored looking big cats

One very tall and bored looking Giraffe

Skippy and rather industrially sized set of ......

A rather regal looking Bengal Tiger

Gated communities. Now there is a subject that I have had plenty of time to think about this last week or so since I moved into one. Below are two snapshots that give you an insight 

As far as I can ascertain there are two types of gated communities. There is the stock standard one as per above where I'm residing with automatic gates and then there is the gated community with security manned gates where you basically have to carry a passport to gain entry. So to mine. Every house is the same colour, same design, with the same facade, and the same exterior lights. But for planting an American flag on your porch you are not allowed to change the external makeup of your house in any way shape or form. Entering these ''communities'' gives you the  impression you have just walked onto one of those sets for a TV series like Melrose Place. As far as I can ascertain the average age of resident here is 102 (not a typo), I have yet to see a child and the car of choice is a Cadillac. I find it somewhat bemusing that despite the imposing looking gates the entire complex is surrounded by a 7 foot hedge. Now this hedge does not mask a fence and nor does it provide an impenetrable barrier. This I discovered last night when staggering home I couldn't be arsed walking around to the gates so I simply walked through the hedge. So let me get this right. Surround yourself with gates to give the impression of security and yet enable any would be burglar or car thief direct access through the hedge. Whatsmore let's assist that car thief by making the exit gates open automatically when a car approaches. It seems to me to be almost representative of American society as a whole today. All facade, no solidity. 

Living in these communities comes with a whole set of rules and regulations you must abide by and the list is long believe you me. I just don't get it. If you moved here from a large house in the midwest why would you give up that space to live in such close quarters with someone that you can hear what they are watching on TV and smell what they are cooking. On the other hand if you are coming down here to live from a major sized city where your life has been spent in an apartment why wouldn't you buy somewhere with space of which there is plenty down here and very affordable.

Gated communities ? Not for me.

The Sahara

Some of you may recall I did a cross country navigation a few days ago from Naples to Venice beach with my instructor. Well. Today it was my turn to do it solo. 2 hours of pre-flight planning and I had the keys to N954AC and the plane to myself. Flying somewhere sounds pretty simple. You would think you just get it up in the air , point it in the general direction and from that height be able to see relatively easily ahead of yourself to where you want to go. 

There is a bit more to it. Just a bit more. 

There are factors such as wind, fuel consumption , altitude, true course heading, magnetic course heading, wind variation component, other aircraft traffic, and correct radio frequencies, correct RPM, airpseed, ground speed, amongst others. In between all this it is not as though you have an instructor with 1,500 hours of flying time sitting next to you who can correct any mistakes. You can therefore probably understand why as I taxied down Alpha taxiway towards Runway 5 my knees had the shakes. Just smalls. My mouth was dry and trying to swallow was harder than trying to eat a Carrs water cracker in the Sahara in summer whilst standing in front of a air dryer. 

The flight was from Naples to Venice a distance of 65 nautical miles ( 76 miles ), a brief touch down, continue rolling and take off  and return. 152 miles there and back. 2 hours flying time or thereabouts.

The route takes you north from Naples and you follow the coast to Venice passing the main approach corridor for Fort Meyers International Airport where you get to communicate on the same frequency as the big boys in their 737 and 777's. There is something mildly amusing about being on the same frequency as a commercial jet liner descending from 15,000 ft at 400 knots while you putt putt along at 3,500ft at 102 knots. The heart goes up a bit when you see him straight ahead and level with you passing across your vision from right to left and Fort Meyers International Control asking you to descend to 2,500ft to give him some room. 

The return leg from Venice to Naples seemed to take half the time of the outward leg and it was not long before I was receiving clearance to land from Naples tower on the very same runway I had departed some 2 hours earlier.

I even found the time to take some photo's thinking that if they fished me out of the Gulf of Mexico at least there would be proof I went down enjoying myself !

Self portrait of boy with sh*t eating grin at 3,500ft.  If you could see my left hand which was clasped firmly on the yoke you'd notice the knuckles were whiter than a Utah salt pan. 

On the homeward leg I took this. (Below)

Do you think this property developer is re-thinking his idea that turning 2,000 acres of swamp into a residential development  was a money spinner ? My instructor later told me that those roads and subdivisions were all completed 3 years ago and not a sod of earth has been tossed since. I wonder which one of the many banks I see in Naples is holding the title deed to that development right now.

My pre flight planning papers (below)

The top paper is for the first leg from Naples (KAPF) to Venice (KVNC) and the second is for the return leg. You will notice the return leg is 0.5 mile shorter. That is because I took a more direct route home. I think !

Take the top sheet and middle row from N.I. to KVNC.  

N.I. is Naples Inlet and a starting point for geographic reference once I had climbed out of KAPF (Naples).

2,500 ft represents my cruising altitude. To the right, 060 represents the wind direction at that level and 19 represents the wind velocity in knots at that level. Under them is 9. That represents in degrees centigrade the temperature at that level. Moving to the right you see 104. That represents my true airspeed at that level. 327 represents degree of the true course heading I have plotted from N.I. to KVNC. Under it is 11. That is the amount of variation in compass degrees I have to take into account for the wind which is blowing from the right. I add that to my true course and it gives me true heading. I then have to add 4 degrees for magnetic variation and that finally gives me my mean heading. Some aircraft have a magnetic impact on their compasses so you would also have to take this into account (this plane did not) to finally give you CH . Course heading. This is the final heading you aim the plane along. 

57.5 represents the amount of NM form Naples Inlet to Venice and 103 represents my ground speed taking into account the wind. 33.5 is my estimated elapsed time in minutes for that leg and 5 is the amount of fuel in gallons I expect to burn during that time. All those numbers in the bottom right are various radio and navigational codes that I will also use. 

Remembering of course this is simply one leg of the outward trip

Easy huh ?

The good news is that tomorrow, weather permitting I get to do it all again but this time with multiple airports where I have to stop, get out, get some paperwork signed and then head off to another airport. I hope Florida SAR (Search and Rescue ) is up to speed with their locate and recover skills.

Sensory delight

Just got back from my first night flight. An hour of take off and landings with a bit of local sightseeing thrown in for good measure. It was 60 minutes of extra sensory sensitivity not too dissimilar to driving along a country road at 100 KPH in the black of night with your headlights off. The only difference here being the safe thought that you are not going to hit anything, offset by the realisation that things fall pretty quickly from 2,500 ft up and ''oh by the way, where did that horizon go ? '' There is also the constant thought in the back of your head  - ''Where the fark is that airport ?'' . Every sense is more alert than the hearing of a prepubescent 14 year old boy doing naughty things to himself with a Playboy magazine in the confines of his bedroom. Aside from the adrenalin pump it is actually a great time to fly. The air is stable and cool and on a good night like I had with the moon reflecting across the waters of the Gulf of Mexico you almost want to hold hands with your instructor and sing kumbaya along with Peter Paul and Mary. 

I said, ALMOST. 

I had a fellow student in the back who was also doing his night time take off and landings and he kindly recorded the snaps below. 

Instrument panel

Good looking noggins. Especially my recently no.2 clippered scon.

Shoot me

Dare I say it. You all have fair cause to shoot me if I ever buy a number plate like that below. Acutally. Thinking about it, please shoot me if I ever buy a car like that below.

For a moment there I was actually compelled to stand around and wait to see who would 

a. Drive a car like that and 

b. Who would buy that licence plate

However I did not, as Subway beckoned for lunch and I only had 45 minutes between flights.

Apologies for my enforced hiatus. I say enforced because I have had technical issues with internet in my apartment - nee ''condo'' - over the last couple of days and it has only been tonight that I have managed to piggy back the local gated community server to send you this blog. 

Gated community. My favourite subject of the moment. I arrived here last Thursday and that evening decided I might try and jog my lardy ass to the local beach which is 1.5 miles away. So off I trotted via the main road and then detoured via a paved walkway towards the beach and sunset. You can then imagine my surprise when '' Ken '' who according to his name tag was a '' Senior Beach Access officer '' stopped me in my tracks and informed me that I could not access the beach as I did not have a guest pass. The conversation went as follow.

Ken - sorry sir you can not go any further and I'm surprised you were able to get this far

Nick - Errrr well this is public footpath is it not ? 

Ken - No sireeeeee it is not. You need a guest pass to be able to access this  footpath and you most certainly need it to access the beach.

Nick - Oh. Ok. So how do I get a pass to access your beach ?

Ken - You need to get the permission of the owner of the condo you are staying at and get them organise a pass for you.

Nick - Errrr OK. How much does one of those puppies cost ?

Ken - I don't know nothing about no puppies but a beach pass will cost you 3 USD and 50 cents a day sir.

Nick - ( with incredulous look on face ) You are telling me that nature has given us this beach and you want to charge me 3 USD and 50 cents to access it ? 

Ken - Yes sir.

Nick - Well that is about the second most ridiculous thing I have heard this month. As it is 5 minutes before sunset, and I have just carted my lardy ass 20 minutes down here how about you just let me access the beach to watch the sun go down?

Ken - No can do sir, because if the beach guys ask how you got down there then the axe falls on me for allowing you to the beach.

Nick - Fair point you make there Ken.

So I do a U-turn and head back to the main road  and jog on home. Then the story gets mildly more surprising. Or not. With my dodgy back and dodgy knee trying to jog on asphalt is akin to jogging barefoot on marble. So I head to the side of the footpath where there is a lush and manicured lawn growing. Moments later there is a '' beeeewwwwooowww '' ( sound of police siren ) . I look over my shoulder and there is a '' Pelican Bay Community Officer and Security '' car with lights ablaze. The conversation goes as follows 

Officer Don - Excuse me sir. Please halt .

Nick - Sure. What appears to be the problem ? (Cognizant of happened to Rodney King)

Officer Don - You can not be on that grass 

Nick - Errr (again) Why not ?

Officer Don - You just can't. What if you were turn your ankle or a viper get you. Then it would be my backside you would be suing. 

Nick - You are kidding right ?

Officer Don - No sireeee. Additionally the community spends a lot of money trying to get this verge to look good and we would appreciate it if all pedestrians stuck to the main path cos we don't want to see the grass dying as a reeeeesult of you y'all running on it.

Nick - Fark me ! You don't have a brother called Ken do you ? ( This was my thought process and not actual conversation ) ....Sure thing Sir. You have a good evening. 

So. The following evening I turned right instead of left out of  my apartment - nee ''condo'' and ran the same distance to access the same piece of beach via a public access way. Free ! 

Go figure. 

Urrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

p.s. I have a few other things to say about ''gated communities'' but I will do that tomorrow.

p.s. Yup. Another. ''American Liberty Bank''

p.p.s There has been a few who have taken to making comment on my grammar and punctuation. To them I say this. Grammatise and punctuate this    .!.

p.p.p.s Sorry for the previous line Mum

Naples to Venice

With a title like that you'd think I was in Italy. Nope. Florida. Venice Beach is about 65 nautical miles      (69 normal miles) north west of Naples and the destination for my first cross country navigation flight which I did yesterday. With the help of the chart below, some coloured pens, a trip computer (to the right) and a slide ruler (to the left) you plot a route there and back. That ''plotting'' takes some time and when my instructor told me to turn up at 7am for a 9am departure I was a little sceptical it would take that long. We took off at 9.30 !

The two and half hours was taken up with computing fuel consumption given prevailing winds, your true wind speed, your ground speed, amount of fuel required, observation marks along the way, radio frequencies at both arriving and departing airports, correct communication terminology and a few other things consequential to the trip of 2 hours return. We flew up there at 4,500 ft and returned at 3,500 (general aviation rules state when travelling on a heading of 0 to 179 degrees you must fly at an altitude with an odd number +500 ft and when flying 180 to 360 degrees it must be a even number +500 ft ). 

It was a beautiful day aloft with stable cool air our friend. We flew past Fort Meyers International Airport and had an interesting moment when their control tower who was following us on radar accidentally put us on a course with a Delta Airlines 737.  Jet liner versus small single prop plane ? Jet liner wins and we asked to be altered back to a route more becoming of our stature.  Landing at Venice proved to be also quite interesting with another student pilot taking off from a runway perpendicular to the runway that everyone else was utilising. As Venice is an uncontrolled airport ( no Tower ) it rests upon the shoulders of the pilots landing and taking off there to establish their own landing and departure routine. To understand the seriousness and stupidity of this guy take a pen and do the following. Draw a straight vertical line on a piece of paper . Label the top A and bottom B. Now draw a horizontal line across the middle of the first line and label the left point C and the right point D. Everyone was landing at B and rolling towards A. If you were taking off you were starting at B and accelerating towards A. This guy who obviously wasn't aware of wind direction had decided he would take off from C towards D therefore intersecting the correct runway everyone else was using. A recipe for disaster. A lesson learnt from my motorbike riding days in Sydney came in to play. Treat everyone else as an idiot. We got out of there as soon as we landed and headed home.

Spot the grin

Heading south towards Naples at 3,500 ft

Grinning pilot and Mr Creative Accounting ( aka instructor )

Holy moley

What does any self respecting man in Naples do on a Sunday morning ? He goes to church of course ! Now. But for funerals, weddings, and christenings I have not been to church of my own accord since I was last in Fiji about 4 years ago and that was ostensibly to listen to the harmonic singing. Prior to that it was in Tonga for the same reasons and prior to that I was a 5ft midget at school attending a Higher Church of England service complete with incense and a 1 hour sermon in 1982.

Intrigued as I'am about the fabric that makes up this society I decided to try and attend church today as it is my flying instructors day off and so therefore mine as well. I googled '' Churches in Naples Florida '' and came across the First Baptist Church of Naples ( http://www.fbcn.org/  )

A good friend who is an infrequent attendee at the FBCN informed me that it was quite evangelical and therefore right up my Strasse in what I thought would be good entertainment. I chose the 9.30am worship figuring that as there was a 11am worship the 9.30 should be done within an hour and 15 mins. I was right.  The Church itself is actually a massive complex with different wings of the buliding holding rooms/areas for bilble study/musicical worship/children's worship etc etc. The car park not too dissimilar in size to that you see at a small sports stadium. The main ''Worship'' area itself is an impressive  arena that by my estimations ( counting rows and seats ) could seat about 2,500 people. The ''stage '' accomodated a 60 strong choir and what looked like an orchestra band. On either side were 4 very large screens from which I discovered the sermon and the hymns were projected onto. The entire room was not unlike any large seminar room or even small rock concert auditorium you may have been to. Not a stained glass window to be seen. In fact not a window at all come to think of it.

 Check it out below

The weekend note book informed that last weekend there were 1,117 attendees to the Saturday evening sermon. 1,580 to the Sunday 9.30am sermon and a paltry 923 to the Sunday morning 11am sermon. The notes also tell me that the budget for July 1 to November 7 is 2.3 million USD and actuals are 2.1 million USD so there was me thinking they are running a prudent worshipping ship. Ah no. I gaze to the bottom of the financials and I discover that all this preaching is an expensive vocation. Debt balance as of November 7 was a not to be sneezed at..11,228,148 USD. Yup you read right. 11.2 million USD in debt. Little wonder then they were trying to flog me a DVD of my service to me post sermon for a mere $4.99.

The order of service was as follows.

1. An out of tune child choir kept us amused until the Pastor arrives and we watch video of the Collins family in Blackburn, Melbourne who talk about their missionary work of giving gifts to....wait for it....to the children of the Papua New Guinea highlands. This comes with footage from PNG. Scary coincidence I thought. I choose the one church in Naples Florida with a video clip from Australia about PNG.
2. Pastor arrives dressed in charcol grey suit with white shirt and bright yellow tie accompanied by choirmaster similarily dressed.
3. Choirmaster leads 60 strong choir in 2 warm up songs. Only slightly more in tune than the kids.
4. Choirmaster then leads congregation with plenty of hand gesticulation pointing to the heavens as we sing 3 songs. Way worse than the kids.
5. Pastor takes stage and commences his preaching.
6. Pastor breaks from preaching to allow us to watch skype video clip from an American family in Naples, Italy who talk about the '' vice like grip that satan has on this town and the darkness he has cast over the people here '' and their attempt to loosen that grip and bring light to the people of Italy. I started to wonder if the Pope had watched the same video and what his thoughts would be.
7. We then kneel and pray for the family in Naples, Italy
8. Pastor spends 25 mins talking about the need to be useful in life and again we pray for ourselves and for the great Lord to give us the fortitude to be his servants.
9. We sing another song
10. We sing another song
11. We sing another song.
12. Pastor then concludes sermon and .....

yup you guessed right.

13. We sing another song with the Pastor encouraging us to hold the hands of the people next to us, which I do. At the conclusion we all raise our arms (still holding hands) skywards and give thanks to the Lord.

It was an interesting and well spent 75 minutes.

I think.

p.s. Two more banks.

News Bank
Regions Bank

Compare and contrast

The scene - A pub 

You walk into an English pub in central London and the conversation goes as follows

Barman - '' Wott will eeet it be'' ? (in East London accent) or more typically these days.. ''Vat vee you driiink ? ( in Polish, Lithuanian, Estonian, Romanian accented pidgin English )

You - ''Errr I will have a lager please''

Barman - Either a grunt or simple silence

3 mins later....

'' That'll be free quid 20 mate '' or  '' please you give me 3 pound and tweeenty punce ''  (and she/he has probably poured you an Ale)


Now compare and contrast




The scene - A bar

You walk into a bar in central Naples and the conversation goes as follows

Barman '' Why hello sir. How you enjoying your day (regardless of the fact you may not be) and what can I getch ya ?

You - ''Errrr I will have a beer please''

Barman - ''Sure thing sir ! What'll it be ?''

You -''Errr just a lager please

Barman - '' Sure thing sir, we have Millers, Millers Lite, Bud, Bud Lite, Coors, Coors Lite, Corona, (what no lite Corona ? ) Amstel, Amstel Lite....at which point you interject and say

You - '' Just a Corona please''

Barman - ''Sure thing sir and do you want lime, lemon or just straight up ?''

You - '' Errr lime please ''

Barman - ''Sure thing sir and with a glass or just the bottle like a real man ?''

You - ''Bottle please''

Barman - ''Sure thing Sir. Where you from ? ''

You - ''Australia ''

Barman - '' Nice. My sister went skiing there last year''

You - '' Oh nice. Where ? ''

Barman - '' Some place called St Antoine ''

You - '' Ah, St Anton. Nope thats A U S T R I A  I'm from A U S T R A L I AAAA ''

Barman - '' Sure thing sir...the land of Crocodile Dundee ''

You - '' that be the one ''

Barman - '' sure thing sir...that will be 3 dollars 40 please ...do you want to run a tab, pay by credit or do cash ? ''

You - '' I'll pay now thanks'' and you hand him a tenner...

Barman - ''Sure thing sir'' and he returns 3 minutes later with 6 one dollar notes and 60 cents...

As you just arrived, and plan on staying for some considerable time and to ensure you get a decent service later when the place hots up you leave 4 of the notes on bar and the shrapnel.


America. You gotta love it.



p.s. Oh by the way, I saw another one today......yup another Bank I've never heard of. The thing too that intrigues me about these ''Banks'' is that it is not like they are one storey two room shells with 4 staff. Check this one out.  ''America Momentum Bank. '' Given the way things are going for the US dollar me thinks their marketing department might want to think about a possible re-branding.

Nervous about twitching

A couple of things occurred today.


1. I saw one of these. Yes ! A cloud !! Which is just as well because it's been over 4 days since I last sighted one and I was starting to get concerned. Yes she is only a small one but she made a fly by at about 4 pm to remind me what she and her siblings look like.

2. I drove past a few more banks I have never heard of. Ready ?

Ever Bank

Synovus Bank (http://www.synovusbankfl.com/)

HB&T Bank

Coldwell Bank

M&I Bank

Key Private Bank

My alertness to new banks that I have never heard of has me worried that my personality is becoming somewhat similar in its fanaticism to that of twitchers, plane spotters or train spotters. 

3. I moved into new digs. A very very very generous friend of a friend who owns a condo nee apartment in one of the more desirable ends of town heard that I was in Naples and insisted that I use her  place as a base as she lives in NY and is only down here infrequently. Saves me money and I get to see how the other half live. The condo nee apartment is in a gated community about 6 miles north of the somewhat downmarket area where I was staying. Strangely the first thing I noticed was that once inside the gates the speed limit is a snoozeville 10mph compared to the 25 mph in the little community I was previously staying in. I guess the street planners where I was previously staying figured it's hard to take off in a stolen car with contraband at 10mph and hence the more liberal speed limit.

4. I didn't fly today. Morning theory class on cross country navigation ( more on that later ) and in the afternoon I sat the massive FAA Theory Exam for which I have been studying for over the last 8 days and which has a pass mark requirement of 70%. Am pleased to say I defied my own pessimism and passed with a score in the 80 percentile. Giddy up. Now on to the oral exam and then the flight check !

Lest we Forget

But wait ! There's more !!!

HIB Bank
B&I Bank
Ironstone Bank...yup Ironstone. I guess that is an attempt by their PR dept to reflect solidity
Bank of Naples... I wonder how many dodgy Italians mistakenly send funds there

and the more traditional

BNY Mellon

5 Banks passed on US-41 as I made my way southwards towards home this evening from dinner which was only a 5 mile trip from restaurant to condo. Condo ? Did I really say that ? ohmigod !! apologies...5 mile trip form restaurant to apartment.

When I said in an earlier blog that this place had more banks than the Mississippi I fear I may have been understating it. The counter is still running.

Did another solo this afternoon. 10 take off and landings. Heart still jumping around like a landed fish and palms more sweaty than a Balinese masseuse. Will say this though. There is something surreal being at 1,000 feet and watching a massive Eagle glide past your windscreen at a rate of knots. Beautiful but surreal.

Meet November Niner Five Five Alpha Charlie

Remember how quickly your heart pumped when you were trying to summon up the courage to ask your first girlfriend / boyfriend if she/he would date you ?

Remember how quickly your heart pumped when you drank your first double espresso with 2 sugars ?

Remember how quickly your heart pumped when you opened the envelope from the board of examiners to see if you had passed ?

Remember trying a vodka Red Bull and then staggering around wondering how your heart could pump so quickly ?

Imagine (or maybe you have done it) how quickly the heart of a 21 year old high on ecstasy, vodka red bulls dancing and gyrating at a Rave party pumps.

OK well combine all 5 and you are probably close to what your heart does when you take control of a plane and go solo. Admittedly it wasn't the first time I have done it, but it is 4 years since.

At approx 1045 local time (1515 UTC ) me and N955AC got very close and personal on runway 5 and in the airspace around Naples airport. A clear day(again) with precious little head wind ( was 5 knots ) and more importantly no cross wind to speak of ( was 5 knots as well ) Mr Creative Accounting (aka my instructor ) decided he had enough faith in my ability to let me loose on my own. After 5 landings and takeoffs ( they are called touch n go because you land , continue to roll and then take off again ) Mr Creative asked me to come to a stop on the fifth landing. He climbed out, told me to do 2 circuits ( so 2 touch n go's ) and then return.

As you sit there at the end of runway 5 holding short for clearance from Air Traffic Control your legs begin to shake. The voice comes over the radio clearing you to take off and you roll out onto the runway with your legs still shaking. You depress the throttle towards the panel giving her full throttle and concentrate on keeping the plane to the middle of the runway. As you gain speed to 55 knots you pull back gently on the yoke and the nose lifts then the side undercarriage and moments later you are airborne. As you climb out of the airport you concentrate on keeping the nose pointed skywards to ensure your speed as you climb out is a constant 75 knots. You climb to 1,000 ft ( and 110 knots )which is the altitude for aircraft doing circuits and head crosswind, perpendicular to the runway, then right again to be now travelling downwind ( in the opposite direction to your take off but with the run way 1,000 ft below you and to your right). As you head downwind you make a call to air traffic to let them know who you are, where you are and what you are going to do. Im ''Naples Centre 955 at downwind for a touch n go''. Air traffic responds with ''cleared for touch n go Naples Centre 955''. I respond with ''Naples Centre 955 cleared for touch n go'' ( and then pucker my sphincter) You bank the aircraft right to be perpendicular to the runway then bank it again to the right to be now flying to the runway for a landing. You concentrate on getting the flaps all the way down, maintaining your airspeed and ensuring you are on the right glide slope making adjustments if you feel you are too high or too low. You pass over the threshold of the runaway at 70 knots trying to maintain direction and speed to land at 65 knots. As you deaccelerate the aircraft wants to naturally fall and just as the wheels are about to touch you pull the yoke back 2 degrees to ensure you land on the side undercarriage and not on the nose wheel. All three wheels land , you maintain the centre of the runway, pull the flaps up, push the throttle all the way in to full and then continue down the runway to take off again and repeat the exercise. Second time around you come to a full stop and taxi back to the air centre.

Easy huh ? Think a vodka without the Redbull is in order.

Meet November Niner Five Five Alpha Charlie......

Blue skies and the Bible

The weather has turned for the better again here and below is a good indication of what I'm faced with each day as I lift off runway 05 at Naples Aiport ( call sign KAPF ) . Yup, blue , blue and more blue. I don't think I have seen a cloud in 3 days. The air is cool which makes for easier flying and at 3,000 FT above ground it's a smooth ride.

At the moment I'm studying the budding aviator's bible. Aka - Gleims ''Private Pilot and recreational pilot FAA knowledge test''. 346 pages of enthralling reading that pertains to everything you need to know about flying. Read it, digest it and then do the the test. I need to achieve above 70% and having completed the book and the practice test in the back I got 85% which has given me the optimism to go for the exam tomorrow which has both surprised and impressed my instructor. 100 USD to sit the exam and if you fail you can take it again once you have parted with another 100 USD.  I also did a pre-solo exam today which I passed. This now allows my instructor to send me solo when the weather is appropriate. I need a total of 10 hours of solo and with 5 already under my belt from my training in Oz I'm looking forward to getting the next 5 out of the way. Then comes 3 hours of night flight followed by cross country navigation culminating with my instructor letting me go solo across country to an airport at least 100 nautical miles form Naples. Tad nervous about that ! In between all that I have to also do a sit down oral exam with a FAA examiner . Then finally a check ride with a FAA examiner who determines my flying skill and whether I should be unleashed into the skies. So for those interested in knowing what comes next here is a summary.

1. Pre solo exam - done 

2. FAA knowledge test - tomorrow

3. Five hours of solo flying - hopefully starting tomorrow

4. Three hours of night flying - hopefully starting later this week

5. FAA oral exam - early next week

6. Cross country solo - hopefully late next week

7. Check ride with FAA examiner - hopefully early of week beginning 22nd.

Question of the day. Why do 65+ year old men in the USA wear baseball caps to dinner ? In fact why does anyone of any age think it is a good look to wear a baseball cap to a restaurant full stop ?

I ask you

A.

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20101109/tuk-flood-alert-as-storms-lash-britain-6323e80.html

or

B.

http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=naplesflorida+weather&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8

Tom and his matress

What do the following have in common.

PNC, Shamrock, Iberia, Third Fifth ??

Struggling ???

Okay slightly easier....the above are the same as the following

Sun Trust, State Trust, First State...

Still struggling ?

Then try

BoA , Wachovia , Northern Trust and Citibank...

Yup they are all banks. Iberia Bank ?? I'm going to google this puppy. One second.

http://www.iberiabank.com/

Mmmmm...tenuous to say the least. Shamrock Bank ? Lets google that one. I wonder if they promise not have you clover if you bank with them. ( boom boom...grooan )

http://www.shamrockbankfl.com/

More banks than the Mississippi. Everyone it seems wants to lend. And why not. Set up your own bank. Borrow from the Federal Reserve at 0 to 1% and lend to some unsuspecting alligator farmer to buy a house at 4-5%. I wonder if any of these banks would be interested in punting FX.

After getting mangled on Friday night I awoke on Saturday to the realisation that I had caught a taxi home ( Captain Sensible ) and would now have to go and get my car which was still parked on Naples High Street. Given the size of my headache I decided to walk to clear my head. Along the way I passed a car yard on Davis Boulevard whose main advertising board read as follows

"" Got bad credit rating ? Don't worry, we lend to you ''''


Moments later I passed Badcock & More ( honestly that is their name !..http://www.badcock.com ) who were advertising free in house credit. Failure to meet your free credit requirements and you get slugged with 24% per annum. Nice. So past the car yard and sofa shop and the next establishment was Capital Pawn (http://www.capitalpawn.com/). Moments later I walked past a Salvation Army shop and there were 74 people lined up outside waiting for it to open ( it was 8.25 am ) . So I asked Tom who was about 74th in line what he was waiting for.

Tom -'' I heard they had taken in delivery of some matresses yesterday and were selling them for a dollar apiece''


Nick - '' How many are they selling ? ''


Tom - '' No idea''


Nick - '' What if it's only a dozen ? Given you are 74th in line that may not yield you much success ?? ''


Tom - '' What else am I going to do today ?

Two things struck me. One. Everyone in the line was either Caucasian or Hispanic. No African Americans. Two. Most of them appeared to have driven there.

So I continued my walk with my hangover for company and the irony of what I had just seen still reverberating in my mind.

You go to the car yard to buy the car with your shite credit rating to enable you to take home the sofa you purchased on free credit and when it all goes pear shaped you pawn your car and sofa and take up position in the Salvation Army line.

God bless America.