Shoot me

Dare I say it. You all have fair cause to shoot me if I ever buy a number plate like that below. Acutally. Thinking about it, please shoot me if I ever buy a car like that below.

For a moment there I was actually compelled to stand around and wait to see who would 

a. Drive a car like that and 

b. Who would buy that licence plate

However I did not, as Subway beckoned for lunch and I only had 45 minutes between flights.

Apologies for my enforced hiatus. I say enforced because I have had technical issues with internet in my apartment - nee ''condo'' - over the last couple of days and it has only been tonight that I have managed to piggy back the local gated community server to send you this blog. 

Gated community. My favourite subject of the moment. I arrived here last Thursday and that evening decided I might try and jog my lardy ass to the local beach which is 1.5 miles away. So off I trotted via the main road and then detoured via a paved walkway towards the beach and sunset. You can then imagine my surprise when '' Ken '' who according to his name tag was a '' Senior Beach Access officer '' stopped me in my tracks and informed me that I could not access the beach as I did not have a guest pass. The conversation went as follow.

Ken - sorry sir you can not go any further and I'm surprised you were able to get this far

Nick - Errrr well this is public footpath is it not ? 

Ken - No sireeeeee it is not. You need a guest pass to be able to access this  footpath and you most certainly need it to access the beach.

Nick - Oh. Ok. So how do I get a pass to access your beach ?

Ken - You need to get the permission of the owner of the condo you are staying at and get them organise a pass for you.

Nick - Errrr OK. How much does one of those puppies cost ?

Ken - I don't know nothing about no puppies but a beach pass will cost you 3 USD and 50 cents a day sir.

Nick - ( with incredulous look on face ) You are telling me that nature has given us this beach and you want to charge me 3 USD and 50 cents to access it ? 

Ken - Yes sir.

Nick - Well that is about the second most ridiculous thing I have heard this month. As it is 5 minutes before sunset, and I have just carted my lardy ass 20 minutes down here how about you just let me access the beach to watch the sun go down?

Ken - No can do sir, because if the beach guys ask how you got down there then the axe falls on me for allowing you to the beach.

Nick - Fair point you make there Ken.

So I do a U-turn and head back to the main road  and jog on home. Then the story gets mildly more surprising. Or not. With my dodgy back and dodgy knee trying to jog on asphalt is akin to jogging barefoot on marble. So I head to the side of the footpath where there is a lush and manicured lawn growing. Moments later there is a '' beeeewwwwooowww '' ( sound of police siren ) . I look over my shoulder and there is a '' Pelican Bay Community Officer and Security '' car with lights ablaze. The conversation goes as follows 

Officer Don - Excuse me sir. Please halt .

Nick - Sure. What appears to be the problem ? (Cognizant of happened to Rodney King)

Officer Don - You can not be on that grass 

Nick - Errr (again) Why not ?

Officer Don - You just can't. What if you were turn your ankle or a viper get you. Then it would be my backside you would be suing. 

Nick - You are kidding right ?

Officer Don - No sireeee. Additionally the community spends a lot of money trying to get this verge to look good and we would appreciate it if all pedestrians stuck to the main path cos we don't want to see the grass dying as a reeeeesult of you y'all running on it.

Nick - Fark me ! You don't have a brother called Ken do you ? ( This was my thought process and not actual conversation ) ....Sure thing Sir. You have a good evening. 

So. The following evening I turned right instead of left out of  my apartment - nee ''condo'' and ran the same distance to access the same piece of beach via a public access way. Free ! 

Go figure. 

Urrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

p.s. I have a few other things to say about ''gated communities'' but I will do that tomorrow.

p.s. Yup. Another. ''American Liberty Bank''

p.p.s There has been a few who have taken to making comment on my grammar and punctuation. To them I say this. Grammatise and punctuate this    .!.

p.p.p.s Sorry for the previous line Mum